Hypothetically Speaking...

I just simply can't go into this whole thing with Sheffield United, I think the whole thing is a shambles, do they need money because Uri Geller made a surprise appearance in their town?
Who knows but here's a few points I feel that I have to make...

1) We were fined a record 5.5m for Tevezgate - we paid.

2) We were asked to negate the original contract with MSI and draw up new terms to ensure that there would be no possibility of 3rd party influence - we complied.

3) The recent ruling is based on a hypothetical situation that only takes Tevez's goals/performances of the end of the season into consideration. It doesn't acknowledge Green's excellent goalkeeping, Neil's excellent defending, Zamora's goals (who finished our top goal scorer that year, and every other player that stepped out in our colours that season. Furthermore it doesn't acknowledge that Tevez didn't score for us for 19 games (and when he finally did we still lost!) - if we're ruling using hypotheticals then surely we can argue that his start of season was a hindrance to West Ham thus negating his end of season performances.

4) Sheffield United are guilty of the same infraction with Kabba - except third party influence in their case was actually acted upon when Kabba was dropped for the Watford vs Sheff Utd. game. Although there was a clause in Tevez's contract allowing him to be sold at MSI's will, the clause was never enacted. Surely, Sheffield United owe the Premier League 5.5 million in back payments? (As do Man Utd. for not allowing Howard to play in the Everton vs Man Utd. Game.)

5) This whole thing has gotten completely out of hand, and if Sheffield United want to sue anyone it should be the Premier League. We complied with their rulings, and we managed to stay up legitimately. The paperwork to bring Tevez over may have been botched, but that should have been picked up by the PL staff in the first place on deadline day. I know 5.5m may not be harsh enough for fans of other clubs, but that's not a figure that we came up with (neither is it not substantial though considering it was record breaking). And we didn't come out with the recommendations to bring Tevez back in to compliance...that again was the PL. So as far as I can see we were guilty of botched paperwork and a bad deal, but from that point on we have honoured every request that has been sent our way - including to nominate a member to the panel that just reached this last decision.


There's a good article in the Times today that makes some very good points...have a butcher's

Newcastle At The Fortress

I'm all giddy with joy this weekend, and rightly so as West Ham are enjoying the dizzy heights of 6th place in the league. Zola's come in and won his first proper game in charge with a display that is very encouraging, and Newcastle again prove what a shambles they are indeed - chalk me up for two things I like about that whole scenario. Oh and my my my didn't our North London rivals only manage a draw this weekend too, giving them a staggering two points from five games - Ramos is a footballing genius.


You're Not Banking Anymore

There was a time when Newcastle were good, with the likes of Ginola and Co miraculously guiding the team into Europe and subsequently funding Keegan's obsession with crap perms; but that was years ago in the nineties, and it's about time that Newcastle fans realised this and acknowledged that those days are gone. So seeing us stick three goals past them was brilliant to watch, because making Geordies cry might be the only way for them to change their perspective on just what the status of their club actually is...which is a medium sized club that has no competition for support in its town, or any supporters outside of its town...this, I think you'll find, does not grant you the right to excellence, and your comparable competition are teams like Portsmouth, Hull City, Middlesbrough, Blackburn, Sunderland etc...time to accept this and move on. Oh and "King Kev" aint that much of a good manager, his philosophy in the nineties was "let's sacrifice defence and try to score just one more than them," which was possible when you had players like Ginola and the Stephen Hawking impressionist Peter Beardsley, but with the team you have today that just wouldn't have cut the mustard (or Keegan's hair).

Before I step down from my pulpit I'd like the press to notice the booing coming out of White Hart Lane today...and then please write a 1 page editorial on it about how their fans are fickle. If it would be easier for you please just replace the word "West Ham' with "Tottenham" in one of the 6,000 pieces of hate-print over the last couple of months that have been directed at us. Please entitle the piece "Juande gonna do?"



Cockney Mafia 3 - 1 Barcodes

As much as I'd like to stop shaving and go ape about this win it was somewhat discouraging to know just how bad Newcastle are, it seems to take the gleam off of a comfortable victory, and begs the question of what if we had played a better team, and also who else could we stick three past? I think much of the scoreline was based on Newcastle just being THAT bad, and as for clear cut chances I really didn't see too many for us at all - there were certainly two amazing chances that advocate for the Developmental Dyspraxia Foundation Luis Baaaaaaaaa Morte missed, that if he would have tucked away could have possibly extended him a little favour from the crowd; but since he didn't tuck them away and instead opted to aim for a different goal somewhere else in the world/universe/space-time continuum we all can contend that he is still shit no matter who the manager is. But aside from that and our last two goals I felt much of our build up play was good, but we were merely decent in the final third.

The biggest positive though was the midfield who worked their arses off...lets just skip to the player review...

Greeny: Didn't put a foot wrong, had no chance on the goal, Owen showed his class and bested him. Looked safe on the crosses and answered when called upon. 7

Faubert: One of his best games yet, I like the combo we have on the right hand side. Put in some good crosses, looked to overlap pepperami when possible, and generally just looked solid - don't think I remember him giving the ball away once, always played a simple ball if in trouble. He didn't have the legs to keep up with Duff however. 7.5

Upson: Solid as ever, did what he needed to do, he's all business isn't he?! One waist high header worthy of note that stopped Newcastle in our box. Apart from that wasn't really challenged much. 7

Neil: Mostly solid today, his lack of pace still evident and we'll have to be careful of quick breaks and counter attacks. I wonder if Zola will keep him as captain, especially if there's a possibility he'll be off in January. Oh and Owen skinned him for their goal. 6.5

Um-Bongo: My first time watching him, seems pretty decent. Got up to support Matty quite a bit, and looks to like the quick first time ball when around the opponents box. I have to say he fit in really well for only his second game, fair play to him. 7

Defence Overall
Not terribly challenged, they will be tested coming up though. Luckily we still have a few more weeks until the heavy hitters like Chelski come into the picture, and hopefully that time cushion will help us concentrate on tightening up, as well as adding numbers and competition with hopefully a few injuries coming back. Decent performance I'd say. 7

Behrami: Really impressed me with his tracking back and tackling, which for some reason he seemed to not know how to do when he was at left back. Maybe he feels more comfortable in midfield, and if that's the case then it will be interesting to see how he progresses. Still building that relationship with Faubert, and the pieces seem to be coming together nicely. 7

Parker: Outstanding, and fully deserving of the standing ovation he got when he went off. He tackled well, passed well, didn't lose the ball, and kept looking forwards not backwards. Two dubious shouts for handball against him from the opposition, but everything will look as if you touched the ball with your hands when your legs are that small. 8.5

Noble: My man of the match, his passing was brilliant, he was putting balls everywhere with precision and was really bypassing the whole of Newcastle's midfield with his distribution. 9

Matty: Amazingly energetic, it took me 15 minutes to confirm that he was actually playing on the left wing - he was everywhere. Looked good, delivers a good ball, and if he'd only cut inside once in a while he'd see himself with more assists. 8

Midfield Overall
The best I've seen them this season, with Noble and Parker playing well defined roles, and the wingers proving they can put over a good cross. Always looked threatening. 8.5

Cole: Again his work rate was superb, and just being his size causes defenders problems. You can't question his commitment, and he's playing a very unselfish role. Good man. 8.5

Di Michele: Although he got two goals and an assist I wasn't terribly impressed. Firstly his first goal was lucky more than anything, and his set up for Matty's was potentially a scuffed shot. His second goal he did take well if not aided by Coluccini's barnet obstructing Shay Given's view, but apart from that he was poor for me. He gave the ball away far too much opting to try and use trickery or meditative falling over instead of just laying off a simple ball to surrounding support, and he has something on his top lip that may be a mole or stitches but at first glance really looks like a Hitler 'stache. Can't complain at two goals though (and really should have been three if Boa Morte had the slightest incling that passing the ball square would have left Di Michele with only the friction of grass blades to beat), and it was his first start, well done lad. 7

Strikers Overall
Decent, Cole certainly the better and harder-working of the two, Di Michele needs to keep things simple in a more physical league...I'm sure he'll learn. 8

Subs

Mullins: Average, but that's Hayden. 6.5

Boa Morte: Didn't get booked, didn't sulk, but didn't get his dad to publicly apologise for not wrapping it up all those years ago and then swiftly leave my club yet so I'm still not on his side. Missed two good chances at the end which highlighted his complete incompetence as a footballer...if a surgeon killed two people in five minutes he'd probably look for a different profession. Surely, there are fields that need to be plowed around Aston with Harewood. -4

Sears: His presence lifts the team every time, and although he didn't get much time, he was very active and caused some problems. One move saw him flick an oncoming ball around a defender and spin him like a top - unfortunately he was fouled on the edge of the box, and even more unfortunately Phil Dowd had lost his whistle in one of the linesmens' arses. The kid needs more playing time. 7


The Mark of Zola

Yeah so we did well, and Zola took some solid steps to ensure the backing of the UP faithful. His subs were straight swaps and not defencive in nature, Sears was one of them hinting at the further usage of the academy, and he was gracious in taking over and even offered Curbs some compliments. Very likable guy, very good start, I've almost forgotten who he used to play for already.

Ztepping Stone?

So we got Zola, he's now taking the reigns, and yet I feel so confused and ambivalent about all of this. Zola, there's no denying, was a world class player, an inspirational player, he was Chelsea's Paolo. Now I don't want to complain, and I definitely back him now that he's officially our manager, but this just seems like such a strange decision, and to me there's only one justification behind choosing Zola over Paolo, I mean they both have the same qualification, they both are inexperienced, they're both Italian and should get along with Nani, and they were both passionate players. Zola though, has been coaching the Italian U-21s for a little while, and we may be looking to snag a couple of young up-and-comings from Italy to add to the academy and to groom into the first team. This is the only one up that Zola had on DiCanio to me, apart from maybe Paolo's reluctance to be bossed about by the board at "his club."

Well, we'll see I suppose. Best of luck Zola, we'll be behind you, and I hope the word "injury" isn't in your vocab book.

Oh and somebody smack that tart John Terry for me, interfering knob.

The Kerb for Curbs

What a week indeed, certainly some strange goings on uuurm going on. We've seen McCartney leave, Green back in the England squad, two unknowns come in a day after the close of the transfer window, Curbs walk out, and now we are in pursuit of a new manager.

Let me just say that my polls seem to be a bit prophetic; the first was in regards to whether or not Green will get called back into the England squad....a week or two later he does. And the second asked if Curbs would still be around or if he would be replaced.....1 day after it went up Curbs walked out! Needless to say I'm scared of putting any other questions up apart from will Ronadinho come to Upton Park, I think for this poll I may only leave one option for response - "yes."


Details, details, details...

You all know what happened by now so I won't rehash what you've probably already read on better and more popular blogs (thanks for the few of you that do follow this though, and please spread the word, it'd be nice to have an early retirement off the back of giving my opinion ;-)
But we should now look ahead to what the hell we are going to do, and delve into what I think are some reasons that explain the recent activity at UP...

Firstly, I have a bit of reality that I'd like to share with you all regarding our fans' reported favourites to replace Curbs...

1) Bilic - sorry, but he's not a club manager, he has no experience there, and due to that will have just as few contacts in the European club football world as Curbs. He's not really proven at all, and jumping in just because he's an ex-iron would be silly. Did we also forget in this haze of lust that he jumped ship from us for better money at Everton?

2) DiCanio - as much as I love the man he too has little experience to manage a team. I do not question his dedication or commitment, nor his passion and love for the club, but I believe that his services would be better put to use as a strikers' coach, following in the role of Ludo. If he would like to some day be our manager, then he won't mind playing second fiddle for a while under the wing of a more veteran manager. Think Carlos Quiroz.

3) H - I love H, I love what he did for us, I loved his commitment, I loved his MOTD interviews, but realistically he's not exactly king stable is he? How many players came in and out of the doors of UP when he was with us. Add on to that our new board's high influence in transfers and he'll keep well away.

So there you have it. I personally have no clue who we will bring in (please not Big Sam, not our style at all), but the one thing that is apparent is that the board are running this operation a little differently than times past. From the top down we look more like a continental set up with Nani playing a role that you just don't see in English football, and what self respecting English manager that is in no rush to find a new job would possibly contend with that? I think we'll be looking abroad for a new manager, someone who isn't going to be alienated by the way that this board wants to run things...who that'll be, time will only tell - maybe for this reason alone it could be DiCanio.


Curbs

I was sad to see him go to be honest, you could see his power waning, and with the decisions the board has made recently I think it became apparent that he was facing an uphill battle to manage the way he wanted to. I'd just like to say thanks Curbs, you kept us up and steadied the ship, you should have been given at least this year to show your mettle.

Hopefully, the clear out, and the lack of signings is an indication that the board knew that they were forcing Curbs out and that this money isn't going to Landisbaki (or whatever it is!) but is being put in the kitty for the next manager to use in January or next summer. As I've mentioned before, Nani's stamp on the incomings is already apparent, and this could be yet another sign of an incoming foreign manager, possibly Italian. I think I'll change my name to Guiseppi, and send in the old CV.

Happiness Is a Warm Gun

Now that I live in the States, it should come as no surprise to you that being able to get my hands on a big-fuck-off-weapon is really not that hard at all. Virginia, for instance, has open air markets where you can easily get a hold of a shooter. Tomorrow in fact, I may venture into the Virginia countryside and do just that, in an attempt to blow my head off to rid myself of the memory of the absolute tragedy that was the closing day of the transfer window.

Now, I'm not one of those Johnny-come-latelys who is all too bothered about signing as many players as possible for ridiculous sums of money, which seems to be all too a la mode is the Prem nowadays. Man City for instance decided to blow £34m on Robinho today, now in my books no one is worth that much, and I'll renew my call for a salary and transfer fee cap in light of seeing the old British transfer fee record broken twice within about an hour (Berbatov being the second). But I am very angry that our dear Linda was let go. The official site states that Linda handed in a transfer request due to family reasons...apparently his misses couldn't settle in down south, and if this is true then fair enough - Linda was a good servant, and sometimes these things happen. But this surely has to have some spin on it somewhere - if Linda was so set to venture back up North, then why wasn't this transfer request honoured a lot sooner? Why didn't we sell him a week or two ago and give ourselves a bit of time to go out and replace him? Didn't he just sign a new 5 year contract with us this summer? And why did we play him on Saturday when we could have used that opportunity to blood more youngsters? This last fact makes me believe that the wake between Curbs and the board may be more like a tidal wave with both Anton and Linda taken from right under his nose.

So now not only have we just ousted our second best player according to the HOTY awards last season, but we also have no recognised left-back. And whilst I don't care if we really challenge for the Champs League or not within the next 4 years (or even Europe in general, although it would be nice!), if you're the board and you've come public with that statement, then you have to ask yourselves what have you done to actualise this ambition? I'm not saying go out and splash a ludicrous amount of cash on Robinho, but bloody hell at least keep a hold of the talent we have.

On a lighter note though, we no longer have selection problems for our back four, we only have four fit so we know who'll be playing!

Best of luck to you Linda, you'll be missed.