23 February, 2010

Falk Off, They're Ours


Aaaah Chavez, he's definitely on my list of top 10 favourite dictators of all time; not for any presence of being a hard man like Pol Pot, or, like Stalin, and in fact being able to deliver any kind of military backing for any of his words, EVER; but he just screams "look at me, look at me, please world, please think that I'm relevant." In this way he is the dictatorship equivalent of a non-alcoholic beer; looks the part, even tastes like the part, but doesn't make you go all wobbly at the knees after a 12 hour bender.

So, the year is 1982, I mean 2010 and The Falkland Islands, or "Islas Malvinas" are being claimed by the Argentinians, again. Britain is saying "No, no, no, they're ours" and the British oil company Desire has already popped a massive hole in the seabed searching for black gold 60 miles off the shore of the islands. The Argies are all pissed off and having a go at dicking around with shipping routes of their coast, the US is staying out of it, and the rest of Latin America is apparently behind Argentina grandstanding and banging their hands on tables somewhere in the middle of Mexico.

This is a load of bollocks.

I don't mind Argentina, they're alright, I love Carlos Tevez, their flag is one of the most original out there (yes that always scores points with me), and I even gave Madonna's portrayal of Nazi sympathiser Juan Peron's wife Evita a try - although all that singing on balconies was just a bit too much for me. But it is absolutely laughable that they should claim the Falkland Islands for their own, please allow me to regurgitate some facts that I believe are why the islands firmly belong to Britain...
  • The islanders hold British citizenship
  • The islanders have stated that they want to remain British (I'm a fan of self determination, so is the UN by the way)
  • The population of the island is over 70% made up of British peoples, with the other 30% being a mixture of French, Dutch, and Chilean ancestry
  • The islands were first spotted by the British in 1592, visited in 1690, and settled in 1765
The Argies however don't agree, and they believe that their ownership of the islands lies in the fact that the islands are off of their coast, and that they took over the dispute of the islands that was formerly between the UK and Spain when they won their independence from Spain back in 1816. And so now they're going around pontificating about the bad "colonial" and "imperialist" Britain in the hope that they get to kick out British peoples from the islands and colonise it themselves and get their hands of some of that love-er-ly oil moolah. The irony of the situation has reportedly made Alanis Morissette's head explode.

And don't even get me started on this recent "summit" in Cancun, actually I'm already started so let's point out a couple of things about that too. For humour's sake, I'm going to assume all of these leaders were shit faced and wearing novelty sized sombreros like all other visitors to Cancun...


Firstly, let's point put which countries would automatically lose their independence should sovereignty be tied to geographical proximity to a significantly bigger neighbour - Belize, Cuba, Dominican Republic, Ecuador, El Salvador, Guatemala, Guyana, Haiti, Jamaica, Panama, Paraguay, Uruguay.

Secondly, how many of the governments in these countries could use a nice press hit to boost ratings back home and serve as a much needed distraction from actually bettering their people? I'm going to list these in four categories - 1.Our economy is in the shitter because we produce only fake leather shoes and 3 metre lengths of string 2.Oh fuck I need to get re-elected soon 3.My country is run by gang-banging drug smugglers 4.The Joe Stalin Award for Awesome Oppression (JSAAO) goes to...

1. For the sake of time, I'm going to say all of them with the exception of Argentina, Brazil, and Mexico who make up 3 of the G-20 countries. Although Chile and Columbia come in as also rans.

2. Thank you to the lovely people at commonborders.org for this...
Country
Date
Term
Costa Rica
Feb. 2010
4
Peru
Apr. 2010
5
Colombia
May 2010
4
Mexico
July 2012
6
Brazil
Oct. 2010*
4
Nicaragua
Nov. 2011
5
Guatemala
Nov. 2011
6

Bolivia

Dec. 2010
5
Argentina
Oct. 2011
4
* First round.


3. Special mentions must go out to the whole of central America, Mexico, Columbia, Bolivia, and Peru - but this map should help you visualise it a bit better...



4. Venezuela, Cuba, Honduras, and arguably a few more too.


Thirdly, well there really is no thirdly, but your honour, let the record show that the backing of Argentinia was hardly given by the most credible nations in the world.


So then, what of it? Not much really. In the aftermath of the Falklands war Britain upped the level of security on the islands, and as we speak a sub is on it's way to the region to protect British citizens should the Argies feel like trying anything on. The ironic thing is, they planted so many landmines around the island in the first war, any attempt at invasion similar to last time would surly lead to massive casualties. But I expect very little to come of this, this is merely posturing by countries and leaders that are following the rhetoric and stances of populism and distancing themselves from the richer northern hemisphere nations in an attempt to win back some public favour after what has been a disastrous couple of years for the global economy.


For the record awesomely original flags include the countries of Wales, Nepal, Qatar, and Sri Lanka - who doesn't love a fucking lion wielding a sword?

1 comment:

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