We’re Avram a Terrible Time

New season, same old West Ham. New manager, same old West Ham. New signings, same old West Ham. Perpetual disappointment, frustration, and an everlasting feeling of wanting to throw hard objects through the television continue.

So anyway, out goes Zola, in comes Avram Grant, the unproven ambiguously-bipolar-undertaker looking Israeli. I can’t say I was thrilled at the prospect of Grant managing us, for one he seems to have gotten a massive amount of praise from the press without actually earning any of it. Yes yes yes, Portsmouth did so well under his management, so well in fact that if they didn’t have 9 points deducted from them they would’ve won the league, or at least that’s what the press would have you believe. The fact of the matter is, had they not had 9 points taken off Pompey would’ve finished bottom and still would’ve been 7 points from safety. So no, I can’t say he did all that well there. Oh a cup run you say? Well when you’re practically relegated by the new year I’d expect you to go all out for the cup, oh yeah, they didn’t win that either.

Uuuuuum Chelski? Yes he led them to the Champions League Final, I get that, but you’re looking at a squad there that without a manager should be looking to compete at that level. Grant’s easiest chance of silverware was the FA Cup final against Spurs, they fucked that up. The fact is that Grant is the only Chelsea manager since Claudio Ranieri (2000-2004) not to win a single thing. Reminders for those that need them, Ranieri was the first manager with Russia’s treasury department at his disposal, and the squad that was so successful under that twat Moriniho was largely put together during those years.

So anyway my point is, Grant isn’t football’s equivalent to Stephen Hawking. He isn't a genius, he isn’t going to be theorizing all these new systems and strategies that will turn West Ham into Real Madrid, and he doesn’t communicate through a straw attached to a fucking computer; although for the record he probably should, as at the very least he’d have to move his mouth a little bit and possibly show some emotion, and the rest of us wouldn’t have to listen to his stupid accent. Seriously, I can’t take it. When he speaks it sounds like two frogs fucking to the death.

I’ll back him though, that’s the West Ham way. I honestly used to take pride in the fact that we’d had fewer managers in our history than any other team in English football, and I find it sad that our policies in the 2000’s have turned that on its head. Turbulent decade perhaps, hopefully a better future lies ahead.

So three games and three losses. No surprise there. The media is having joygasms at the thought of another relegation fight, and of course they’re ignoring everyone else apart from us. Stoke, 3 losses, one of which is to Wolves. Everton, two losses and a draw, the draw was to Wolves. Wigan, thumped by Blackpool! The teams around us are in trouble too, but of course Upton Park is the centre of the universe when it comes to unrest, so Moyes and Co will get a pass from the press, while we’ll be accused of having a falling out in the dressing room, orgies with nuns, and Luis Boa Morte going around the training ground dressed like a witch doctor.

Walla-walla-bing-bang-BOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Note to press: When West Ham fans start booing when we lose to Chelsea next week, please remind the world that Spurs fans booed their team off against Wigan this Saturday just days after making the CL group stages. TWATS.

I honestly don’t think we’ve played all that badly with the exception of the Villa game. Bolton we just lose to, always, we know that. And playing at The Theatre of Commentators’ Wet Dreams is never easy, although selecting to start Jon Spector and LBM certainly doesn’t give you an advantage in any game. I think the most interesting if not annoying thing about the last few games is how little the new signings are being used, and how similar to last season we look. Surely new players are brought in to better the team, if that’s the case then why aren’t they on the field? Barrera looks interesting, always looking to get forward and shoot, and he can take a tackle better than Diamanti, didn’t feature yesterday until the second half. Pokémon was another one that featured late, and Reid didn’t feature at all, although in all honesty was I supposed to get excited about that signing? Winston Reid? Who’s that? Oh he played in the World Cup? Oh, it was for New Zealand and not a real country. Prediction: He’s the next Tyrone Mears.

Oh fuck Tal Ben Haim is so uninspiring I forgot to mention him in the last paragraph.

To sum up let’s do a typical positives and negatives thing…

Positives

Some of the long term injuries seem to be fading away a little, both Dyer and Gabbidon played (well) against Man U.

Barrera looks to have potential.

We can pass the ball, even if it is mostly sideways and backwards.

Negatives

We still switch off two or three times a game - this always seems to cost us goals.

We haven’t scored from open play yet and I’m not sure we can.

Any one of our current players playing right-back, especially Jon Spector.

And can someone other than Parker please provide a bit of steel. I’m sick of us not getting stuck in and mixing it up a bit. I miss the days of Julian Dicks.

So yeah all is not well, but it’s early days and the doom and gloom mongerers are out way too early. Simply put, if these three fixtures were side by side in January and we had lost them, this wouldn’t even be a discussion. Judgment should be left until around Christmas.

We’ve got a couple of days left of the transfer window and with one or two decent additions we could be quite a potent team. The need for a rightback and a goal scorer are quite obvious. If it were my choice I’d have Robbie Keane. Unpopular at West Ham I know, but he’s Premiership proven unlike half the people we go after, and he’d be good for around 15 goals a season, he’s also the type of player that can latch on to one of Carlton Cole’s mis-controlled balls and make something of it. And at the back we need steel, god only knows who could fill this roll, but someone whose face doesn’t break for fun while scoring own goals would be a good start.

Again, too early to really judge, but fuck me are they frustrating.